Plan B is the new Plan A
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Michael Bay diarrhea
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
