I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
