Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she pinky promised me she was 18
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
