mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
