i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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