but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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