I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
