sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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