I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
