No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize