you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
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