Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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