yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
