maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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