So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
