I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
