I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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