When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
