If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
