my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
