Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
