He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
did i just pee glitter
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