he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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