is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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