My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
