I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you inspire me to be a worse person
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
