all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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