I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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