I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
