I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Your cock deserves a montage
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
