Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
