she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he fucked my hip out of place.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
