did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
