Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
