you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
