your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
