i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
