This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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