Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
