Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
