Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize