the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
