mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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