Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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