We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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