Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
