I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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