I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
