I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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