And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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