i just had sex bonerless
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize