I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
