Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
