Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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