I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
