was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
